Not What I Expected

I wanted to be better about blogging when I was pregnant. I wanted to write down all my thoughts and have everyone else feel what I was feeling at the time. But you know what? I'm really glad I didn't. I am really glad that I took the emotions and everything else that I was feeling and kept it (mostly) to myself. I love that it was just between myself and Luke. It is so remarkable to go through this journey. It is also a remarkable time to be going through this. 

When I found out that I was pregnant back in January, I was so more than thrilled. I was so excited to do all the things that I saw my friends do that already had kids. The gener reveal with my family. The big baby shower. Wearing super cute maternity outfits. Traveling with my husband before the baby came to a place other than Michigan. I was already planning everything out the moment that test came back positive. Then the pandemic happened. At first, I wouldn't believe that it would last longer than a month and that all of my plans were still going to work out. But the pandemic didn't stop in April, May, June, July...

So, I had my gender reveal in a really good friend's backyard (again, thank you so much Liz) but my family couldn't come. Facebook LIVE saved that event for sure and it wouldn't have been possible without it. We found out Ava was a girl and I was so excited. But I couldn't help feeling a little empty about it. I couldn't jump up and down about it with my mom or my sister Abby. I couldn't see my dad and brothers trying to hold back happy tears when the balloon was popped. I felt a little robbed. I didn't want to tell anyone that I felt that way though. I have a hard time expressing my feelings when I think that they will put someone else down or make them feel a certain way. It's hard for me to put my feelings first sometimes.

Months later it was baby shower time. Again, Liz pulled off an amazing party. Honestly this woman needs to start her own party business. The thing that was most amazing about that party was that my family was there. Not just my mom and sister but my mother-in-law, my sister-in-law Rachael, my aunt Jessica and my cousin Carly. I didn't realize until after they left how important it was for me emotionally for them to have all come. It was so fun to watch everyone's reactions when they each got to feel the baby kick and it was funny when they all saw my feet swell 10x their normal size. I couldn't imagine what these last few weeks would have been like if I didn't have my refill of family. 

Tomorrow I get induced at 6:00PM and I thought that I would be an emtional wreck. Those that are close to me know that I CANNOT handle with things are in my forearms. I have no idea why I have this aversion but it's there. Even typing this out and imagining what is going to be in my arms tomorrow makes my arms feel like jell-o. My amazing parents will be here tomorrow to give moral support before I go in and Luke is the best support person I could ask for. He has literally done everything for me. I am not good at asking for help but he has stepped in to help in areas that I didn't realize I would want help in (like he shaves my legs for me because I can't bend down). 

I can't believe this leg of the journey is coming to an end this week and this was not how I expected my pregnancy to go. I wouldn't trade it for a different experience though. That's what makes this so exciting. I can't wait to meet you Baby A.