Understanding Yourself During the Process

Hello!

So in this blog post I thought I would talk about understanding your needs during this whole process of medical school applications and the MCAT.

Now I am not claiming that how I am taking care of myself is how everyone should take care of themselves when going through this. However, what I am doing works for me and might give you a different perspective.

There are many things that I have learned during this adventure called "applying to medical school". A lot of them had to do with myself. I thought I knew myself pretty well before going into this adventure. I thought I knew how I wanted to be loved and I thought I knew what I could handle and what I couldn't handle. Well let me tell you I had it all wrong. I thought that I didn't need to have attention all the time. I didn't think that I needed to have someone tell me that they loved me every day because I thought that I wouldn't be that girl that needs that affirmation every day.

I quickly learned that I needed Luke to tell me that he loved me and that I needed attention more than I cared to admit.

There was a time in the beginning of the MCAT studying where I felt really insecure. I felt insecure because I didn't feel like Luke was telling me that he loved me enough. I started to question his feelings for me. I started to have frequent panic attacks because I thought that I was wasting my time with someone that didn't love me enough or at all. I figured that he just needed me for the test then he wouldn't need me after because I wasn't getting what I NEEDED to feel loved. It took a lot of courage (and tears) to tell Luke that I felt this way. It was one of the hardest conversations to have but this is where our mentalities started to change. I took it upon myself to look for the little things Luke would do for me to show me he loved and cared about me. He took the time to tell me that he loved me every single day and he made sure that I never felt like I was alone after that conversation.

Sometimes, that's all it takes. A conversation.

I thought that there was so much shame in feeling like I needed be told that he loved me or that I needed as much attention as I craved. It took me a long time to gain the "courage" I needed to ask Luke to spend some time with me or to tell him that I needed that attention. I didn't want to come off as selfish and I didn't want him to know that I was struggling because I knew how stressed he was. I didn't want to add to that load. Luke had never said that I was being too much or that I required too much. This was something that came through my own thought process. I had an expectation that nothing would change between us. I had an expectation that I would get the same attention and same form of love. That expectation led to arguments and some resentment on both of our parts. COMMUNICATION IS SO KEY. I cannot say that enough. You need to communicate with your spouse, significant other, or whoever is taking the MCAT about what you need and what they need.

Taking Time To Look Inward

It wasn't healthy how much I was holding in and how much rationalization I was doing with my feelings.

I had the realization that I was hurting myself and my relationship with Luke when I realized how unhappy I was. I was helping Luke constantly by making dinners or cleaning or laundry. I wasn't doing anything that made me actually HAPPY. I felt fulfilled because I was getting all of these things done and Luke was studying as long as he wanted to. However, I was not taking the time to sit myself down and think about what made me Riley Esco.

I took minute a realized a few things. It is okay that I need that attention and that I needed to be told "I love you". It is okay that I love to spend time with Luke. I realized that I love to listen to podcasts and learn about the law and true crime. I realized that it was okay to cry when I was feeling frustrated about how long studying was taking or how much I really didn't want to make dinner that night. I realized that it is okay to not have everything together for Luke or both of us every day. It's okay to have an off day or three. IT'S OKAY TO HAVE FEELINGS.

I guess that's what it all comes down to: it's okay to have feelings. This whole process is mainly for Luke but it's also about me. It's also about what is going to make us work as a couple and where we are going to see ourselves be happy down the road.

You need to be happy while this is happening. You need to sit down and realize what will make you happy. It's okay if those things are a little out of the ordinary or if you think that you'll be judged for them. Who cares? Does it make you happy or bring you some sort of joy? Then make sure you do that everyday while your SO or whoever is going on this journey with you. Your happiness helps their happiness.

Any questions about how I handle this let me know in the comments! Or if there is anything I missed let me know please!